If it seems that Christmas music has started playing this year earlier than ever, you’re not wrong. Some stores have been decking their halls since mid October, and let’s not talk about Hallmark revealing their new ornaments back in July. But at least you can rest assured that the classic carols will get overplayed, the younger stars will crank out new standards, and it will all be over by January…
Until you take a listen to these absolute brain melters of Christmas tunes. We’re not talking “Christmas Shoes,” or Justin Bieber’s “Mistletoe,” or how creepy “Baby It’s Cold Outside” seems now. We’re talking bona fide talented entertainers who made a terrible, terrible mistake in the name of some extra holiday earnings. Here are Christmas songs so bizarre you won’t believe they actually exist.
Lady Gaga: “Christmas Tree” – 2008
She’s a top notch performer and her songs are catchy but whoever persuaded her that the lyrics “My Christmas tree is delicious,” “Take off my stockings,” and “Light me up, put me on top” were good choices needs to be given a truckload of coal. Combine that with the dental drill-like synth beat and you have a recipe for disaster. There’s no official video for the release, which is just as well; pictures could not do justice to the song itself:
John Denver: “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas)” – 1973
When John Denver and Christmas are mentioned together, normally there’s some Muppets involved. His Christmas album with his felted friends is one of the nicest, purest things you can have during the holidays. But that wasn’t his only Christmas offering. The earlier folksy, perky song “Please, Daddy” may be the polar opposite of the “Christmas Shoes” song, except they’re both not good. Prepare to shake your head in disbelief.
Cyndi Lauper: “Christmas Conga” – 1998
The three C’s of the holdidays are definitely not Christmas, Conga, and Cyndi Lauper. No two of these should be put together, let alone all three of them. From the opening strains that evoke more of a Mariachi feel than a conga line, and lyrics that invite one to “bonga bonga bonga” while doing it, this song turns visions of sugar plums into genuine nightmare fuel. Get a load of this:
Destiny’s Child: “8 Days Of Christmas” – 2001
Everyone knows Beyoncé can do no wrong, but for every rule there is an exception, and that exception is this song. Eight days of gimme, gimme, gimme. Pity the poor boyfriend who has her on his shopping list. Even the gifts of time together and back rubs isn’t reciprocated. It would be interesting to find out what she got him for Christmas, but the song would probably be very, very short. On the plus side, the singing’s nice.
John Lennon: “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” – 1972
This may be the Citizen Kane of Christmas music: you love it or you hate it, there’s no middle ground. Is it because it was done after he left the Beatles? Is it because his wife Yoko is tone-challenged harmonizing in it? Is it just treacle-covered-in-molasses-level gooey sweet? How did an otherwise great artist release this record and how in the name of candy canes did it become an industry standard?
Rodney Dangerfield: “I’ll Never Do It On A Christmas Tree” – 1991
Children of the ’90s may remember in passing the animated film Rover Dangerfield, starring comedy legend Rodney Dangerfield as the voice of his canine alter ego. However, we’re willing to bet you’ve forgotten that Rover sings a song called “I’ll Never Do It On a Christmas Tree,” referring to how dogs like to relieve themselves on trees. Dangerfield himself wrote the lyrics. Nothing can prepare you for the horror that ensues.
Joel Grey: “I’m Gonna Put Some Glue ‘Round the Christmas Tree (So Santa Claus Will Stick Around All Year)”—1955
Broadway superstar singer/dancer most notably from the musical and film “Cabaret” sings about capturing Santa Claus and keeping him for himself. Bear in mind Joel is singing in a kid’s voice, trying to make it sound innocent, but only makes it sound like it’s being sung by the kids from “Nightmare Before Christmas.” See (and hear) for yourself: